We're all destined to die, one way or another, but at 16, I was determined to live no longer than 27, because of the severity of my misery and disdain for life itself. My inner turmoil was so substantial, that I hated being in my own skin. I often daydreamed about being someone else — having freedom from all the self-hatred, perversion and darkness that gripped my very soul. For I knew I was sinful/corrupt, but I couldn't change or purify myself permanently and internally, nor could anyone or anything else. For at best, I found alcohol and drugs to give me temporal relief, but ultimately, they only increased my burdens and hastened me to death itself.
But thank God for His providence, for He placed a child of His in my workplace — who shared how Jesus saved him and changed him like nothing else could. My co-worker Big Rick would go on to share Christ's work in his life repetitively — and would treat me in a way that made me feel valuable. So I would listen curiously when he testified, but it would take substantial time for me to take him to heart. It wasn't until I was 23 years old, that I felt like I couldn't wait until I was 27 (to end it all), since my suffering was becoming increasingly painful and unbearable. At one point, as I broke down hopelessly in tears, contemplating how I would depart from this world, a thought came into my mind that my co-worker often shared, "Whoever comes to Jesus, He will by no means reject." In a place of desperation, I thought that I might as well call out to Him with everything I had left — so I begged Jesus in prayer, that if He is real, and able to help me, to please do it, or else I am going to cut my life short. That was in September 2011, and this was the catalyst to me being forgiven in Christ Jesus, and my reconciliation to my Maker — when I called on Jesus' name for deliverance, and my new life began in Him.
Praise God, that He can speak the language of our hearts, and reach into the darkest places with His light and redemptive love.
Truly, if you're living, there is still hope, don't give up, but turn to Him!
Seek Him with all your heart. 🙏❤️
P.s. All of us are sinful and broken. All of us need forgivness and God's grace. But because of the pride and self-righteousness of man, it's often only those who hit "rock bottom" that come to admit/realize their need of His mercy, and humble themselves before Him trusting in Christ.
For this reason the Gospel is geared more to the poor, oppressed and afflicted, but nonetheless, salvation is for everyone (John 3:16)!